Vote For Me!

Governor Rick Perry

Says Kill ‘Em All

AUSTIN, TX - On June 2, 2009, Texas Governor Rick Perry entered the Guinness Book of World Records.

On that date, the 200^th prisoner was executed since Governor Perry took office in December 2000.

Texas Governor Rick Perry

Perry is proud of his record, stating that “at least in my administration, we know how Texas tax dollars are being spent!” 

He has also been highly cost-efficient in disposing of his prisoners. 

According to the Texas Correctional Department, “our chair has needed no repair in the last 68 years.”

Old Sparky

The 200^th prisoner, Mr. Cleon Jones, was thrilled to participate in this historic moment. 

Moments before his death, Mr. Jones proclaimed a new-found respect for God and the Texas prison system. 

“They sure mean business,” he said.

Cleon Jones was thrilled

Puerto Rican Guy

The Santa Claus Party

BOARD OF ELECTIONS, NYC- The Puerto Rican guy running for congress in Harlem (15^th C.D.) has created his own political party. 

This week, in the NYC Board of Elections at 200 Varick Street, he filed the certified founding documents for the Santa Claus Party. 

“I’m keeping it real!” he shouted at reporters. 

“Whenever a politician breaks a promise, he replaces it with a better one…so let’s get started!” 

At that moment the Puerto Rican dug into a huge canvas bag and threw out presents to everyone.

“I’m tired of empty promises!” he shouted.

“When I become your congressman from Harlem, every day will be Christmas!”

The current Harlem congressman, Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY), is still on a fact-finding mission in Santo Domingo. 

However Geoff Eaton, his Deputy Chief of Staff, assured us the Puerto Rican “is violating at least two dozen federal election laws.”

Congressman Rangel on a mission

Puerto Rican Guy

Citizen Kane

Endorses

Puerto Rican Guy

HARLEM, NEW YORK - Before a packed auditorium, Charles Foster Kane endorsed the Puerto Rican Guy for U.S. Congress. 

“I entered this race for one thing only!” said Mr. Kane. 

“To send the Puerto Rican to Washington!”

As publisher of The Enquirer and twelfth richest man in the world, Mr. Kane promised to supply a lot of dirt on his opponent, and “more money than you can count” for his campaign. 

In addition, Mr. Kane purchased “a little Puerto Rican bus” for street campaigning.

Puerto Rican Guy

Porfirio Rubirosa

 (1909-1965)

Porfirio “Ruby” Rubirosa was the greatest playboy who ever lived. 

He married Flor de Oro Trujillo, daughter of Dominican dictator Rafael Trujillo when she was seventeen, barely a week after their first meeting. 

When Trujillo discovered that Ruby had been unfaithful to his daughter, the dictator did not shoot him. He made him the Ambassador to Germany. 

That way Hitler and the whole world could see what Dominican men were made of.

Ruby became world-famous for the size of his penis. 

In the novel Answered Prayers, Truman Capote declared a great infatuation with it, and described it as eleven inches long. 

To this day the extra-long pepper shakers in French bistros are called the Rubirosas.

Ruby’s package

Ruby was linked romantically to Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Dolores Del Rio, Ava Gardner, Veronica Lake, Kim Novak and Eva Peron.

He married two heiresses: Doris Duke and Barbara Hutton.

He cheated on them both, then married a 19-year old Parisian actress.

He was named a co-respondent in at least two divorces, the husbands charging adultery.

Unfortunately Ruby died in a car crash…

But his son Remy Rubirosa, a Brazilian underwear model, has shocked the world with an even greater “talent” than his father.

The talented Remy

The great Rubirosa lives on.

Puerto Rican Guy

Harry Houdini

Returns to Miami

MIAMI, FL - The spiritual awakening of Miami will reach a fever pitch during the July 4 weekend. 

At sundown on Saturday, Harry Houdini will return to Calle Ocho and give a smashing performance. 

Houdini will first perform his rope escape trick:

He will then walk to the Miami Federal Reserve Bank, right next to the Doral Golf Resort.

Federal Reserve – Miami Branch

Federal Reserve Officers will stuff Houdini unto an airtight steel container.

Within 20 minutes Houdini will escape, rob the entire bank, and return to Calle Ocho for a real Cuban-style Independence Day.

Hot Cuban party

The Great Houdini never really left us.

On July 4^th, he will perform one final trick.