Governor Rick Perry

 

 

Says Kill ‘Em All

 

 

AUSTIN, TX - On June 2, 2009, Texas Governor Rick Perry entered the Guinness Book of World Records.

On that date, the 200th prisoner was executed since Governor Perry took office in December 2000.

lm_blog_texas

Texas Governor Rick Perry

Perry is proud of his record, stating that “at least in my administration, we know how Texas tax dollars are being spent!” 

He has also been highly cost-efficient in disposing of his prisoners. 

According to the Texas Correctional Department, “our chair has needed no repair in the last 68 years.”

Old Sparky

The 200th prisoner, Mr. Cleon Jones, was thrilled to participate in this historic moment. 

Moments before his death, Mr. Jones proclaimed a new-found respect for God and the Texas prison system. 

“They sure mean business,” he said.

Cleon Jones was thrilled

 

 

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

 

The Santa Claus Party

 

 

BOARD OF ELECTIONS, NYC- The Puerto Rican guy running for congress in Harlem (15th C.D.) has created his own political party. 

This week, in the NYC Board of Elections at 200 Varick Street, he filed the certified founding documents for the Santa Claus Party. 

“I’m keeping it real!” he shouted at reporters. 

“Whenever a politician breaks a promise, he replaces it with a better one…so let’s get started!” 

At that moment the Puerto Rican dug into a huge canvas bag and threw out presents to everyone.

lm_blog_santa

“I’m tired of empty promises!” he shouted.

“When I become your congressman from Harlem, every day will be Christmas!”

The current Harlem congressman, Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY), is still on a fact-finding mission in Santo Domingo. 

However Geoff Eaton, his Deputy Chief of Staff, assured us the Puerto Rican “is violating at least two dozen federal election laws.”

Congressman Rangel on a mission

 

 

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

 

Citizen Kane

 

 

Endorses

 

 

Puerto Rican Guy

 

 

HARLEM, NEW YORK - Before a packed auditorium, Charles Foster Kane endorsed the Puerto Rican Guy for U.S. Congress. 

“I entered this race for one thing only!” said Mr. Kane. 

“To send the Puerto Rican to Washington!”

lm_blog_rally

As publisher of The Enquirer and twelfth richest man in the world, Mr. Kane promised to supply a lot of dirt on his opponent, and “more money than you can count” for his campaign. 

In addition, Mr. Kane purchased “a little Puerto Rican bus” for street campaigning.

lm_blog_bus

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

 

Porfirio Rubirosa

 

 

 (1909-1965)

 

 

Porfirio “Ruby” Rubirosa was the greatest playboy who ever lived. 

He married Flor de Oro Trujillo, daughter of Dominican dictator Rafael Trujillo when she was seventeen, barely a week after their first meeting. 

When Trujillo discovered that Ruby had been unfaithful to his daughter, the dictator did not shoot him. He made him the Ambassador to Germany. 

That way Hitler and the whole world could see what Dominican men were made of.

Ruby became world-famous for the size of his penis. 

In the novel Answered Prayers, Truman Capote declared a great infatuation with it, and described it as eleven inches long. 

To this day the extra-long pepper shakers in French bistros are called the Rubirosas.

lm_blog_rubie

Ruby’s package

Ruby was linked romantically to Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Dolores Del Rio, Ava Gardner, Veronica Lake, Kim Novak and Eva Peron.

He married two heiresses: Doris Duke and Barbara Hutton.

He cheated on them both, then married a 19-year old Parisian actress.

He was named a co-respondent in at least two divorces, the husbands charging adultery.

Unfortunately Ruby died in a car crash…

But his son Remy Rubirosa, a Brazilian underwear model, has shocked the world with an even greater “talent” than his father.

lm_blog_rubirosa

The talented Remy

The great Rubirosa lives on.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

 

Harry Houdini

 

 

Returns to Miami

 

 

lm_blog_houdini

 

MIAMI, FL - The spiritual awakening of Miami will reach a fever pitch during the July 4 weekend. 

At sundown on Saturday, Harry Houdini will return to Calle Ocho and give a smashing performance. 

Houdini will first perform his rope escape trick:

He will then walk to the Miami Federal Reserve Bank, right next to the Doral Golf Resort.

lm_blog_fed_reserve

Federal Reserve – Miami Branch

Federal Reserve Officers will stuff Houdini unto an airtight steel container.

lm_blog_leo_fed_reserve

Within 20 minutes Houdini will escape, rob the entire bank, and return to Calle Ocho for a real Cuban-style Independence Day.

lm_blog_danceleo

Hot Cuban party

The Great Houdini never really left us.

On July 4th, he will perform one final trick.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments