Puerto Rican Guy Shoots his Twin Brother
CAGUAS, P.R. – The Puerto Rican guy who is demanding change from everyone in America, fatally shot his twin brother with a .38-caliber revolver during an altercation in their shared Caguas womb.
Pursuant to Section 215 of the Patriot Act and Section 501 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), records were recently forwarded to the Pentagon, U. S. wire services, and the National Enquirer. Found in the basement of a Caguas, Puerto Rico police precinct, these records prove that the Puerto Rican guy was a pre-natal terrorist.
Sibling rivalry
According to police records, Ms. Maria Machuchal was awakened at 4 a.m. on September 10, 1938 by a scuffle in her uterus. She dismissed it as routine kicking, but 30 minutes later she heard three pistol shots.
Forensic x-rays revealed that the unborn gunman–identified as a five-inch fetus with no eyes or hair–shot his brother twice in what eventually would have become his heart.
After a tense four-hour standoff, the fetus threw out his weapon when police threatened to induce labor. Police spokesmen denied the use of tear gas, and a forced C-section was impossible, due to a power outage at Caguas Municipal Hospital.
The fetus was a member of the Puerto Rican Socialist Party, which later claimed credit for the power outage in the San Juan Star.
The scene of the crime
The mother was unharmed in the shooting. Two bullets lodged themselves in the twin brother. A third passed harmlessly through her birth canal and killed a rooster.
The fetus did not emerge from the crime scene, but a court-appointed lawyer said the fetus would surrender himself peacefully, upon post-partum separation from his mother.
“This whole tragic chain of events is hard to comprehend,” said Caguas mayor Simforoso Alicea. “Where did we as a community fail this unborn fetus? Could parents have done a better job of conceiving, carrying, and pre-natally educating it? And how did the fetus get access to firearms?”
According to Caguas police, the fetus used a revolver registered to his father. On advice of his attorney, Yonosay Nada, Esq., the fetus offered no comment on the shooting.
Due to his client’s fetal position, Nada invoked the law of habeus corpus and Section 69 of the Napoleonic Code. Upon remand to Casos Juveniles de Caguas, the case was adjourned in contemplation of dismissal.
This pre-natal terrorist is now demanding change from everyone in America.
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