Puerto Rican Guy Announces
his Platform
CAMBRIDGE – After a month of study at the John F. Kennedy School of Government, the Puerto Rican who is demanding change from everyone in America, announced some “Harvard ideas” that stunned the entire nation.
The Puerto Rican galloped down the steps of Widener Library and trampled a Chinese pre-med student.
“So solly,” he yelled, and threw a fistful of dollars at the stunned Chinaman. Then he turned to the crowd.
“Los politicos are so smart!” he shouted. “Every time they break a promise, they replace it with a better one. But El Zorro is smarter. I am now a Harvard Man, and these are my Harvard ideas!”
The Puerto Rican Guy waves his Harvard ideas
The Puerto Rican took a deep breath, unrolled a six-foot parchment and shocked everyone within earshot. In ten breathtaking minutes he showed how he will end poverty in America, solve our energy crisis, and provide universal housing for everyone.
The Puerto Rican Anti-Poverty Program
The Puerto Rican will end all poverty by eliminating all the poor people.
He will revoke the minimum wage, eliminate compulsory education after the eighth grade, sterilize everyone on welfare (or auction their babies) and prohibit the television coverage of riots.
When challenged on these extreme measures, the Puerto Rican whipped out copies of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, Prof. Edward C. Banfield’s Unheavenly City, and a George Bush coloring book.
“Don’t play with me,” he yelled. “I went to Harvard!”
Anger-Powered Cars
Within two years, the Puerto Rican President would end our dependence on foreign oil by forcing Detroit automakers to adopt “fury fuel” technology.
The patents were first granted to Nikola Tesla, whose Instigator Motor converts emotional energy into kinetic energy, thereby harnessing the limitless supply of bad temper generated daily by American drivers.
According to the Puerto Rican, these patents have been suppressed since 1878 by an oil-and-auto conspiracy. “General Motors even has a concept car!” he shouted.
A road-rage fueled vehicle suppressed
by General Motors Corporation
Flaunting his Harvard vocabulary, the Puerto Rican claimed that “these Freudian engines will burn pure white-hot hatred, with no harmful environmental emissions. The average motorist traveling a clogged American highway produces hundreds of kilowatts of hatred per infuriating drive, but Detroit doesn’t care!”
When asked about price, the Puerto Rican assured that “middle income consumers will be able to afford this car. But in order to increase engine efficiency, the price will be high enough to eat away at them, the whole time they are driving.”
Homeless Depot
Within six years, and prior to the collapse of our Social Security system, the Puerto Rican President will fund a coast-to-coast chain of Homeless Depot stores, to supply the nation’s 1,374,596 homeless people with all of their street-lifestyle essentials.
Early-bird shoppers visit the new Homeless Depot
President Cojones would ensure that soiled clothing, People magazines, and Dippity-Do hairstyling gel would always be on sale.
The liquor department would offer 40 types of fortified wine, 30 different malt beverages, and Old Thompson Whiskey.
“But most of all,” he said, “because of this sub-prime mortgage mess, every Homeless Depot will sell top-of-the-line, Kenmore 25.5 cubic foot double-door refrigerator boxes, only $3.99 each.”
Puerto Rican Guy.
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