The Leo Platform (Part 1)

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS  – Leo Machuchal promised a revolutionary platform for Washington Heights, and here it is. Today is the first day of Leo’s platform.

“There’s too much noise, and no one has the courage to anything about it,” said Leo, at the Washington Heights Democratic Club. “But that’s going to change right now.”

According to Leo, his first law will require that every cell phone user either:

a)    stop using it in public

b)   put a bag over their head, or

c)    wear a cell phone booth.

The cell phone booth

The cell phone booths will be sold and/or licensed exclusively through New York State and its various public utilities.

With 11 million cell phone users in New York State, Leo estimates over $2 billion in added revenue to New York State, every year, for the next 15 years.

Puerto Rican Guy

The Rapper’s

Endorsement

The Puerto Rican guy just received this urgent notice from State Senator Malcolm Smith. 

It’s only January 2009 and things are already getting desperate. 

You know you’re in trouble, when the politics of New York State depend on the endorsement of an over the hill rapper.

Puerto Rican Guy. 

Puerto Rican Guy Shoots his Twin Brother

CAGUAS, P.R. – The Puerto Rican guy who is demanding change from everyone in America, fatally shot his twin brother with a .38-caliber revolver during an altercation in their shared Caguas womb.

Pursuant to Section 215 of the Patriot Act and Section 501 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), records were recently forwarded to the Pentagon, U. S. wire services, and the National Enquirer. Found in the basement of a Caguas, Puerto Rico police precinct, these records prove that the Puerto Rican guy was a pre-natal terrorist.

Sibling rivalry

According to police records, Ms. Maria Machuchal was awakened at 4 a.m. on September 10, 1938 by a scuffle in her uterus. She dismissed it as routine kicking, but 30 minutes later she heard three pistol shots.

Forensic x-rays revealed that the unborn gunman–identified as a five-inch fetus with no eyes or hair–shot his brother twice in what eventually would have become his heart.

After a tense four-hour standoff, the fetus threw out his weapon when police threatened to induce labor. Police spokesmen denied the use of tear gas, and a forced C-section was impossible, due to a power outage at Caguas Municipal Hospital.

The fetus was a member of the Puerto Rican Socialist Party, which later claimed credit for the power outage in the San Juan Star.

The scene of the crime

The mother was unharmed in the shooting. Two bullets lodged themselves in the twin brother. A third passed harmlessly through her birth canal and killed a rooster.

The fetus did not emerge from the crime scene, but a court-appointed lawyer said the fetus would surrender himself peacefully, upon post-partum separation from his mother.

“This whole tragic chain of events is hard to comprehend,” said Caguas mayor Simforoso Alicea. “Where did we as a community fail this unborn fetus? Could parents have done a better job of conceiving, carrying, and pre-natally educating it? And how did the fetus get access to firearms?”

According to Caguas police, the fetus used a revolver registered to his father. On advice of his attorney, Yonosay Nada, Esq., the fetus offered no comment on the shooting.

Due to his client’s fetal position, Nada invoked the law of habeus corpus and Section 69 of the Napoleonic Code. Upon remand to Casos Juveniles de Caguas, the case was adjourned in contemplation of dismissal.

This pre-natal terrorist is now demanding change from everyone in America.

A Racist on Every Campus

I will do more for race relations than Bark Obama.

As your President I will guarantee one racist on every college faculty in America.

I will personally interview every one of them, and make sure they foam at the mouth. You watch how quick our kids start singing Kumbaya!

I went to UCLA (the University of the Corner of Lexington Avenue) on a Sanitation Engineer scholarship, but they kick me out in two months.

I took a class with Professor Ed Banfield and que arroz con culo!

He steal from Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal which encouraged the British aristocracy to solve its “Irish Problem” by eating Irish children in a fricassee.

Banfield steal the whole thin.

Paid by Harvard University and the MIT Center for Urban Studies, he write a 308-page book called The Unheavenly City which recommend:

• Ending the minimum wage

• No education after 8^th grade

• Sterilize the poor (or auction their babies)

• Prohibit the television coverage of riots

I no jokey here. I even give you the page references: pp. 231, 245, 246.

The book was published by Little, Brown and Company in 1968, just one month after Martin Luther King was killed, with all the Vietnam and inner-city riots.

President Nixon was delight, and appoint Banfield to head the Model Cities Program.

In class, I call Banfield a cabrón and ask if anyone at Harvard University or MIT read A Modest Proposal.

He kill my scholarship and I left school.

If Banfield alive today, here is his post-academic mission:

Banfield tests his Afro-Vaporizer (Patent 666) on a pit bull puppy.

Forget Bark Obama.

Vote for Leo!

…And I make sure that Ed Banfield’s children, will teach your children.

Puerto Rican Guy.