Adios, Lou Dobbs

LOS ANGELES, CA  -  The Latino community is deeply saddened by the passing of Lou Dobbs. 

He was the Bull Connor of our generation. 

He sang the praises of hard-working immigrants, and probably hired a few on the side.

Lou Loves Mexicans

As a weekend hobby, Lou hired unemployed Mexicans over to his house, so he could feel them up and arrest them.

Manos arriba!

We will miss Lou Dobbs and his self-interested race mongering. 

We will miss the way he bared his teeth, at anyone who disagreed with him. 

But most of all, we will miss his sagging jowls. 

We wish him luck as a radio racist.      

Puerto Rican Guy

Puerto Rican Guy

Sues Surgeon

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – The Puerto Rican Guy has suspended his congressional campaign to deal with a medical emergency. 

In an effort to secure the youth vote, he paid a visit to Hillary Clinton’s plastic surgeon. 

Unfortunately he emerged looking like…Hillary Clinton.

Subsequent re-constructive efforts have been only moderately successful.

“I think I want my money back,” said the Puerto Rican. 

His opponent, Harlem Congressman Charles B. Rangel, demanded an immediate investigation by somebody, into something. 

“Yesterday he had an ear ache. Now this,” said Rangel. 

“The Puerto Rican is brilliant,” said CNN political analyst Lou Dobbs. 

“He’s clearly pandering for votes. But no one can figure out just who he’s pandering to. It all depends on the surgery.”

Puerto Rican Guy

 Minority Lending

 at Citibank

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Standing in the Federal Reserve rotunda in New York City, Citigroup senior executives unveiled their solution to the growing credit crisis in America. 

“This will not only solve our credit card and home mortgage crises,” said Citibank CEO Vikram Pandit. 

“It will revolutionize the entire American banking system.”

CEO Pandit announces the revolution

According to Pandit this solution was sponsored by Citibank, developed by former board members of the Federal Reserve, and tested “under highly controlled conditions” by Halliburton civil and electrical engineers. 

“Like the wheel and the discovery of fire, our new credit procedure has the simplicity of genius,” said CEO Pandit. 

As of August 2009, every Citibank will have a special chair.

The Citibank chair

All minority loan applicants will be strapped into this chair and asked a series of questions.

Pulse rate, blood pressure, brain wave patterns and galvanic skin response will be monitored during the questioning.

On the down side, all loan applicants must sign a medical release.

On the up side, successful applicants will walk away with the entire loan in their hand.

Citibank chair supporters include Dick Cheney, Lou Dobbs, Curtis Sliwa and every officer and director of all 12 Federal Reserve Banks in the U.S.

The Fed approves the Citibank chair

According to both Pandit and Dick Cheney, any resemblance of the Citibank chair to the electric chair still used by several state prisons, is purely coincidental.

Puerto Rican Guy

Fish Brain Leo

CORAL GABLES – Last week the world scoffed when the John D. McCarthur Foundation conferred a genius grant on Leo Machuchal.

“This grant is an insult!” said CNN political analyst Lou Dobbs.

“It will encourage every other minority to sneak into America, lie around the house, and do nothing.”

Officially a genius

However in just three days, the Leo genius grant has produced results.

In a stunning Coral Gable press conference, Leo unveiled a marvel of DNA engineering: the transparent fish.

According to the Puerto Rican, “you can look into its brain, and see what the fish is thinking.”

Puerto Rican Guy.

Handshakes:

The Puerto Rican guy wants to restore confidence and integrity to our real estate industry.

It all starts with the handshake.

Since so many people refuse to read their contracts, bank loans, or home mortgage documents, we must establish some rules regarding handshake agreements.

The Puerto Rican guy has integrated these rules into the Uniform Commercial Code (UCC).

The rules will be binding in all 50 states.

So follow them.

1. The Fail-Safe 

Connect the web between your index finger and thumb firmly with the other person’s.

Pump two or three times.

This is confident and appropriate, particularly when your checks are good.

2. The Rubber Glove

While shaking hands, cover the other person’s hand with your left hand.

A favorite of politicians and clergy.

Use when begging for a “peak” at the RFP.

Mandatory on IRS field audits, during lunch, if twenty Mexicans swarm a taco truck.

 3. The Dead Fish

A limp handshake conveys weakness and complete lack of self-confidence.

Accompany with a vague gaze at the person’s forehead, and request their Zodiac sign.

Best used to confuse a reporter or stall a building inspector.

4. The Terminator

Turn the grip so your hand is on top - a sign of clear aggression.

Expose all your canines in a Lou Dobbs smile.

Use with every illegal alien, on every construction site.

5. The Maricón

Offer just your fingertips, and wiggle in their palm.

 Smile any way you choose.

 Best used to provoke a Teamster.

Puerto Rican Guy.