The Santa Claus Party

BOARD OF ELECTIONS, NYC- The Puerto Rican guy running for congress in Harlem (15^th C.D.) has created his own political party. 

This week, in the NYC Board of Elections at 200 Varick Street, he filed the certified founding documents for the Santa Claus Party. 

“I’m keeping it real!” he shouted at reporters. 

“Whenever a politician breaks a promise, he replaces it with a better one…so let’s get started!” 

At that moment the Puerto Rican dug into a huge canvas bag and threw out presents to everyone.

“I’m tired of empty promises!” he shouted.

“When I become your congressman from Harlem, every day will be Christmas!”

The current Harlem congressman, Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY), is still on a fact-finding mission in Santo Domingo. 

However Geoff Eaton, his Deputy Chief of Staff, assured us the Puerto Rican “is violating at least two dozen federal election laws.”

Congressman Rangel on a mission

Puerto Rican Guy

The Suspect is a Young

Black Male

The Puerto Rican guy just read a smashing novel.

It is called The Suspect is a Young Black Male.

It is the story of a man who reforms the entire government of New York State, by murdering three politicians.

One dead politician

It was written by someone who should know…a former New York State Assemblyman.

My favorite scene in the novel is when all the politicos get together, and carve up the state budget like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Finalizing the New York State budget 

Then ten minutes later, they all take Viagra and chase their interns around the hotel.

Senator Bellaco interviews your daughter

According to the author, everything in this novel is true.

It all happens constantly in Albany, and he has the evidence to prove it.

Let’s hope that killing three politicians, is all it takes.

If not, let’s strangle a few more…and demand free health insurance.

Health  care reform in New York

Puerto Rican Guy. 

The Suspect is a Young

Black Male

The Puerto Rican guy just read a smashing novel.

It is called The Suspect is a Young Black Male.

It is the story of a man who reforms the entire government of New York State, by murdering three politicians.

One dead politician

It was written by someone who should know…a former New York State Assemblyman.

My favorite scene in the novel is when all the politicos get together, and carve up the state budget like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Finalizing the New York State budget 

Then ten minutes later, they all take Viagra and chase their interns around the hotel.

Senator Bellaco interviews your daughter

According to the author, everything in this novel is true.

It all happens constantly in Albany, and he has the evidence to prove it.

Let’s hope that killing three politicians, is all it takes.

If not, let’s strangle a few more…and demand free health insurance.

Health care reform in New York

 Puerto Rican Guy. 

Puerto Rican Guy

Outsources his Campaign

November 3, 2008

“Nam daed a si luap.”

“What?”

“Klaatu barada nikto.”

“What?”

“E pluribus serilnbr?”

“The serial number? You want the serial number?”

“Daisy…daisy….give me your ans…”

According to the Puerto Rican man, this was the entirety of the conversation when he “called somebody somewhere to somehow fix something.”

It is also the reason, why he outsourced his entire campaign for President of the United States.

“We no longer make anything!” he yelled on the corner of 116^th Street and Lexington Avenue, then pointed to every store in sight.

“Our TV’s, computers, cell phones, dentures, underwear, bolita betting slips – they all come from somebody, but we don’t know who or how. We can’t even understand the instruction manual.”

Things we purchase from somebody, somewhere

According to the Puerto Rican, when you buy a hamburger at McDonald’s a teenager smiles over the cash register – but your order is actually processed in the Philippines.

The cow is  killed in Brazil, cooked in Argentina, frozen in Japan, and instantly transmitted to the U.S. via a high-speed DBPL (Digital Beef Patty Line) manufactured in China and serviced in India.

The digital beef patty line

“And don’t get me started on the Indians!” he shouted. “Every time you fly somewhere, the plane is being controlled from India by a 10-year old girl holding a joystick in one hand and a lollipop in the other.”

When asked for evidence, the Puerto Rican said “I’m no lawyer but my grandfather, Papo Bullshit, flew 29 flights for Jet Blue.  All he had to do was wait for the plane to shake, then say ‘fasten your seat belts, we are experiencing turbulence.’

Papo announcing turbulence

According to the Puerto Rican, the politicians are worse than Papo. “Congress recently tried to pass a law against outsourcing, only to discover that all federal legislation since 1997 has actually been produced in Taiwan.”

On the local level, the Puerto Rican displayed Resolution 121428, naming Albert DeSalvo as New York’s 2008 Citizen of the Year in recognition of his generous spirit, deep humanity and compassion for the elderly.

According to the Puerto Rican “I wrote it myself, spread a few bucks around Albany, and got it passed within a week. The only problem is, Albert DeSalvo was the Boston Strangler.”

New York Citizen of the Year

The bill appeared authentic, and the Puerto Rican had a point.

According to the NYU Center for Social Justice, in 43 state legislatures which allow the practice of “empty chair voting” the legislators rarely read the bills and computers vote on everything, including the state budget.

To show the madness of all this, the Puerto Rican outsourced every aspect of his campaign, including his promises. “I’m going to cut taxes in Poland, send food stamps to Cuba, and no child will be left behind in Belize. I’m also running attack ads on Barack Obama…in Kenya.”

The Puerto Rican went silent.

He watched some teenagers rapping Kill That Faggot and shook his head. “The only thing we haven’t outsourced is stupidity,” he said. Then he reached in his pocket, handed me a five dollar bill, and walked away.

I looked at the bill. It wasn’t a bribe. It was a history lesson. 

The Viagra Club

Yesterday I get arrested for cock abuse, and I never ever do that.

For that you go to Albany and join the Viagra Club.

Viagra Clubhouse 

Every month about a dozen politicos take 100 mg. of Viagra and pick a pretty intern’s name from a big hat.

The politico who get her, also get $10,000 from Con Edison and the beer company lobbyists.

One month the $10,000 had to be split three ways.

The night is young

My favorite member of the Viagra Club is a married Reverend from the Bronx.

Whenever my hotel room is next to him, he yell “¡Gloria a Dios!” and the bed thump all night. 

Reverend gets a headache

So yes, maybe I throw my cock into the ring…but a pelea de gallo is a fine thing to watch.

For real cock abuse, go to Albany and join the Viagra Club.

Puerto Rican Guy.

PS:  The Reverend and his friends better not mess with this web site.

        Otherwise I will start naming names.