Sammy Glick

The Somos el Futuro conference had a legendary Chairman.

Senator Roberto Ramirez was the H.N.I.G. (head negro in charge) of Somos el Futuro, and toastmaster of the famous Puerto Rican Power Table.

The Puerto Rican power table

The Power Table dispenses over $100 million per year in illegal payments to phony non-profit agencies, non-existent employees, Dominican cigar factories, and mistresses   in Argentina.

But even at this table, Ramirez stood out.   

 He campaigned like a Communist, became a closet Republican, and within a month he was the chupacabra of the Grand Old Party.

Police sketch of the Chupacabra

He funneled millions to “The Hispanic Federation,” a bogus non-profit, which funneled it right back to him.

Then he dreamed up The Mirram Group.

This “consulting firm” allows him to sell judgeships, shake down any lobbyist, and rake in the 15% agency commission (as mandated by the FCC) for campaign TV and radio commercials.

Psst…wanna buy a judgeship?

Everyone in Albany (a town of thieves) was so impressed, that they started calling him Sammy Glick.

More on Sammy tomorrow.

Puerto Rican Guy.

Hiram Monserrate

In December 2008 Hiram Monserrate, a newly-elected State Senator from New York, slashed his girlfriend in the face with a broken glass.

The gash required 20 stitches.

The Senator was arrested for felony assault, and faces a seven-year prison sentence.

No one is clear what happened, especially since Hiram and his girlfriend keep changing their story: 

•  Hiram found a man’s business card, and went into a jealous rage.
•  Hiram slipped and fell.
•  Hiram found drugs in her purse, and went into a jealous rage.
•  The glass flew out of Hiram’s hand.
•  Hiram saw Erik Estrada’s photo, and went into a jealous rage.

Hiram sticks to his stories

All these versions are fine: but they don’t explain how a glass can hit the floor, shatter, bounce up five feet, and lodge itself in a woman’s face.

In order to help out Hiram, here is his Nobel Prize-winning defense:

Normally, gravity would drag the object to the floor. But if a shard is trapezoidal, and energy is released about 3 a.m. when the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter is aligned with Mars, glass can travel upward on its own zero-point energy. This is Nikola Tesla’s classic “quarter-twist in an object’s quantum torque.”

Therefore Hiram was the victim of a confluence of forces, provided that he also won the Mega Millions Jackpot that day.

Otherwise, as Einstein postulated, the manliness constant multiplied by the square root of blood alcohol equals the speed at which a broken glass approaches the eye vortex, especially while drinking coquito.

There you have it.

The science is solid, and we need Hiram in Albany.

If anyone can cut the state budget, it’s the slashing Senator from Jackson Heights!

Puerto Rican Guy.

Nelson Denis

There once was a New York State Assemblyman named Nelson Denis.

He saw truly incredible things.

He saw twenty politicians take Viagra…then chase one intern around a hotel.

He saw a State Senator chasing an employee…with a meat cleaver.

He saw legislators “vote” on the state budget…while passed out on their desks.

He saw millions of dollars change hands…in a Church of God in Christ (COGIC).

He saw a voting machine grow legs…and walk out of a polling site.

He saw this scene night after  night…in a hellish, endless loop.

Everyone was ridiculous in that place.

Over and over a Senator got up and said nothing, nobody listened, and then everybody disagreed.  

It looked like 62 dogs barking idiotically through an endless night.

According to Nelson Denis, we must do better.

The Puerto Rican Guy agrees. 

Puerto Rican Guy.

62 Dogs Barking Idiotically

Through an Endless Night

SCENE:     A State Senate Chamber.

                  All the walls gleam with 23 carat gold leaf and Scottish granite.

                  A Finance Committee bill hits the floor:

                 ”For purposes of taxation, all illegal income, such as stolen    

                or embezzled money, must be included in your gross income.”

SENATOR:     Wait a minute!

CLERK:          The chair recognizes the gentleman from the Bronx.

SENATOR:     Point of Order!

CLERK:          What?

SENATOR:     Just hold your horses!

CLERK:          Sir, we’ve been through this before. If you disagree with the amendment you-

SENATOR:     Is not the amendment I disagree with, is what’s in the amendment!

CLERK:          Does the gentleman vote “no?”

SENATOR:    What you theenk? First they tax our beer, then they tax our cigarettes, now this.

                     All thass left is our women!

CLERK:          Does the gentleman vote “no?”

SENATOR:     I very sad tonight. I returning to my people, but my chopping bag is empty.

                      ”Whass in the chopping bag?” they ask. “I donno,” I say. “Is empty.”

CLERK:          Sir, what are you talking about? 

SENATOR:    My chopping bag is empty.

CLERK:          Does the gentleman vote “no” on the amendment?

SENATOR:    You bet I vote no! I vote no twice!

I saw this yesterday in our Capitol. This guy was even stupider than me.

He barely spoke English and wore a ridiculous toupee.

In fact, everyone was ridiculous in that place.

Over and over a Senator got up and said nothing, nobody listened, and then everybody disagreed.

It looked like 62 dogs barking idiotically through an endless night.

I know we can do better.

Puerto Rican Guy. 

Puerto Rican Guy

Arrested in New York

The Puerto Rican guy was arrested again this weekend.

On Friday October 17 he kidnapped Senator Barack Obama and threw him out of a helicopter.

With his usual calm and mastery of any situation, the Senator landed on his feet and signed three autographs on the way down.

Senator Superfly

The Puerto Rican is currently under observation at New York Bellevue Hospital.

According to See Gee Yung, a Tibetan high priest who witnessed the entire scene, “Obama is a very old soul. I have never seen anyone multi-task like he does.”

Puerto Rican Guy.